thornyone's Blog

 PHONE

THIS WAS ONE OF THE 'GOOD OLD DAYS' WHEN PEOPLE REALLY CARED ABOUT
EACH OTHER.

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our
neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver
hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with
fascination when my mother talked to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person.
Her name was 'Information Please' and there was nothing she did not know. Information
Please could supply anyone's number and the correct time.

My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my Mother was
visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my
finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because
there was no one home to give sympathy.

I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway.
The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the Parlor and dragged it to the landing
climbing up; I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.

'Information, please,' I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and
a small clear voice spoke into my ear.

'Information.'

'I hurt my finger,' I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an
audience.

'Isn't your mother home?' came the question.

'Nobody's home but me,' I blubbered.

'Are you bleeding?' the voice asked.

'No,' I replied. 'I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.'
'Can you open the icebox?' she asked.

I said I could.

'Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,' said the voice.

After that, I called 'Information Please' for everything. I asked her for help with my geography,
and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet
chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, 'Information Please,' and told
her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I
was not consoled. I asked her, 'Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring Joy
to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?'

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, ' Wayne, always remember that
there are other worlds to sing in.'

Somehow I felt better .

Another day I was on the telephone, 'Information Please.'
'Information,' said in the now familiar voice.
'How do I spell fix?' I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was nine years old, we
moved across the country to Boston.I missed my friend very much. 'Information Please'
belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the
shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories
of those childhood conversations never really left me .

Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security
I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have
spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle I had about
a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister,
who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown
Operator and said, 'Information Please .'

Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. 'Information.'

I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, ' Could you please tell me how to spell fix?'

There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, 'I guess your finger must have
healed by now.'

I laughed, 'So it's really you,' I said. 'I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to
me during that time?'

'I wonder,' she said, 'if you know how much your call meant to me. I never had any children
and I used to look forward to your calls.'

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again
when I came back to visit my sister.

'Please do,' she said. 'Just ask for Sally.'

Three months later I was back in Seattle a different voice answered:  Information.' I asked for
Sally.

'Are you a friend?' she said..

'Yes, a very old friend,' I answered.

'I'm sorry to have to tell you this,' she said. 'Sally had been working part-time the last few
years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.'

Before I could hang up she said, 'Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne?'
'Yes.' I answered .

'Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read
it to you.' The note said, 'Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean.'

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.

Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.

Whose life have you touched today ?

Why not pass this on? I just did....

Lifting you on eagle's wings. May you find the joy and peace you long for.

Life is a journey ... NOT a guided tour. So don't miss the ride and have a great time
going around.  You don't get a second shot at it.

 

THE GINGHAM DRESS
A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment in to the Harvard University President's outer office.
The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge .
'We'd like to see the president,' the man said softly.  'He'll be busy all day,' the secretary snapped. 'We'll wait,' the lady replied.
For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go a way. They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted.
'Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave,' she said to him!
He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, and he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer  office.
The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him, 'We had a son who attended Harvard for one year.
He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus.'
The president wasn't touched. He was shocked. 'Madam,' he said, gruffly, 'we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery.'
'Oh, no,' the lady explained quickly. 'We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard.'
The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, 'A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard.'
For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now.
The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, 'Is that all it costs to start a university? Why don't we just start our own?'
Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto , California where they established the university that bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.
You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them.

...............................A TRUE STORY By Malcolm Forbes



'People will forget  what you said, People will forget what you did.   But people will never forget how you made them feel'.

        Summer Classes for Men at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, August 17th 2008    
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.  
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.  
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.  
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.  
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Th ursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM  
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM  
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.  
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.  
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined  
Class 1 0
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.  
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Your Mother and Your Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined  
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techn iques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.  
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.  
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.

Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day!  have a nice day

In these times of so much negative, sad and seriousness, I thought you might like something a little light to brighten your day.  Just for your entertainment, and to some of you some good memories:

 

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will
enjoy this e-mail.  For those of you not old enough, you will see what you
missed!! Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great
entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for
his clean humor.  I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once
more....



RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE:


1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage,
good food and companionship -- she goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in
Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere
I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!'  So I
bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in
the carburetor. I asked where the car was.  She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.


9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the
garbage?'  The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

10.  Remember:  Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11.  I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12.  I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.


13.  The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the
TV?' I said, 'Dust!'



Can't you just hear him say  all of these? These were the good old days
when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word.  It was just
clean and simple fun.


And he always ended his programs with the words, 'God Bless' .

> Subject: oh man... i can relate to alot of these..lol
>
>
>
> 'Hey Dad,' one of my kids asked the other day,
> 'What was your favorite
> fast food when you were growing up?' 'We didn't
> have fast food when I was
> growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was
> slow.'
>
> 'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat ?'
>
> 'It was a place called 'at home,'' I
> explained. 'Grandma cooked every day
> and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together
> at the dining
> room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my
> plate I was allowed to
> sit there until I did like it.'
>
> By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he
> was going to
> suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him
> the part about how I
> had to have permission to leave the table. But here are
> some other things
> I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his
> system could
> have handled it:
>
> Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set
> foot on a golf
> course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
> In their later
> years they had something called a revolving charge card.
> The card was good
> only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck.
> Either way,
> there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
>
> My parents never drove me to socce r practice. This was
> mostly because we
> never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed
> probably 50
> pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have
> a television in our
> house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before
> that. It was, of
> course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored
> plastic to
> cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and
> the bottom
> third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It
> was perfect for
> programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across
> someone's lawn on a
> sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the
> TV to make the
> picture look larger.
>
>           I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was
> called 'pizza
> pie.' When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth
> and the
> cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my
> chin
> and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever
> had.
>
>           We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before
> that, the only car
> in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a
> 'machine.'
>
>           I never had a telephone in my room. The only
> phone in the house
> was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before
> you
> could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you
> didn't know weren't already using the line.
>
>           Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk
> was.
>
>           All newspapers were delivered by boys and all
> boys delivered
> newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It
> cost 7
> cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get
> up
> at 4 AM every morning.. On Saturday, I had to collect the
> 42
> cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the
> ones who
> gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least
> favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be
> home on
> collection day.
>
>           Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At
> least, they did in
> the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours
> was called
> French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I
> don't know
> what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty
> and we
> weren't allowed to see them.
>
>           If you grew up in a generation before there was
> fast food, you
> may want to share some of these memories with your children
> or
> grandchildren.. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut
> laughing.
>
>
>           MEMORIES from a friend:
>
>           My Dad was cleaning out my grandmother's
> house (she died in
> December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle.
> In
> the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I
> knew
> immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She
> thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or
> something. I
> knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing
> board
> to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't
> have steam irons.
> Man, I am old.
>
>           How many do you remember?
>
>           Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
>           Ignition switches on the dashboard.
>           Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
>           Real ice boxes.
>           Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
>           Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
>           Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
>
>           Older Than Dirt Quiz:
>
>           Count all the ones that you remember, NOT the
> ones you were told
> about! Your ratings at the bottom.
>
>
>           1. Blackjack chewing gum
>           2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar
> water
>           3. Candy cigarettes
>           4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
>           5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke
> boxes
>           6 Home milk delivery in glass bottles with
> cardboard stoppers
> 7. Party lines
>           8. Newsreels before the movie
>           9. P.F. Flyers
>           10. Butch wax
>           11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix
> (OLive-6933)
>           12. Peashooters
>           13. Howdy Doody
>           14. 45 RPM records
>           15. S&H Green Stamps
>           16 Hi-fi's
>           17. Metal ice trays with lever
>           18. Mimeograph paper
>           19 Blue flashbulb
>           20. Packards
>           21. Roller skate keys
>           22. Cork popguns
>           23. Drive-ins
>           24. Studebakers
>           25. Wash tub wringers
>
>           If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
>           If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
>           If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your
> age,
>           If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than
> dirt!
>
>           I might be older than dirt but those memories are
> the best part
> of my life.
>
>           Don't forget to pass this along!!
>           Especially to all your really OLD friends....
>
>
>           'Senility Prayer'...God grant me...
>           The senility to forget the people I never liked;
>           The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
>           And the eyesight to tell the difference.'
>
>
>           Have a great day !!!!!!

> THE FUNERAL
> ============
>
> One day all the employees reached the office and they saw a big
> sign on the door on which was written:
>
> Yesterday, the person who has been hindering your growth in
> this company passed away. We invite you to join the funeral in
> the room that has been prepared in the gym.
>
> In the beginning, they all got sad for the death of one of
> their colleagues, but after a while they started getting
> curious to know who was that man who hindered the growth of his
> colleagues and the company itself.
>
> The excitement in the gym was such that security agents were
> ordered to control the crowd within the room. The more people
> reached the coffin, the more the excitement heated up.
>
> Everyone thought: 'Who is this guy who was hindering my
> progress? Well, at least he died!
>
> One by one the thrilled employees got closer to the coffin, and
> when they looked inside it, they suddenly became speechless.
>
> They stood nearby the coffin, shocked and in silence, as if
> someone had touched the deepest part of their soul.  There was
> a mirror inside the coffin; everyone who looked inside it could
> see himself.  There was also a sign next to the mirror that
> said:  There is only one person who is capable of setting
> limits to your growth: IT IS YOU!!!!!
>
> Your life does not change when your boss changes, when your
> friends change, when your parents change, when your husband or
> wife change, when your company change, when your church
> changes, when your location change, when your money change,
> when your status change...
>
> Your life changes when YOU change, when you go beyond your
> limiting beliefs.
>
> Examine yourself, watch yourself. Don't be afraid of
> difficulties, impossibilities and losses. Be a winner, build
> yourself and your reality. It's the way you face Life that
> makes the difference.
>
> ~Author Unknown~

        Subject: Thanks For All Of Your Time   sorry guys, BUT...you have to take the time to read this!!!!!!!love you and..............thanks for your time....me     A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door... 




It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.  





Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.!  





"Jack, did you hear me?" 





"Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.  





"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him.  





"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.  







"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said  





"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.  





As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no Children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away. 





The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time.  



Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....Jack stopped suddenly.  





"Wh a t's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked. 




"The box is gone," he said  





"What box?" Mom asked. 





"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ev er tell me  was ' the thing I value most,'" Jack said. 





It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it. 



"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."  



It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailb ox. "Signat ure required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read.  



Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack 's hands sho ok as he read the note inside.  





"Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch.  





Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved: 





"Jack, Thanks for your time! -Harold Belser." 







"The thing he valued most was...my time"  





Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked. 

& lt; FONT color=green size=2>



"I need some time to spend with my son," he said. 





"Oh, by the way, Janet, thanks for your time!"  





"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away,"

Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.  



1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.


2.  At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.  



3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you. 


4.  Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep. 


5. You mean the world to someone.  


6.  If not for you, someone may not be living. 



7.   You are special and unique. 


8. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better.  < /B>



9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.  



10.  When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world. 



11. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you. 



12. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.  



13  Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy  



14.  If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.  

Since the Pledge of Allegiance

And

The Lord's Prayer

Are not allowed in most

Public schools anymore

Because the word 'God' is mentioned....

A kid in Arizona wrote the attached < /div>

 

NEW School prayer :

Now I sit me down in school

Where praying is against the rule

For this great nation under God

Finds mention of Him very odd.

 

If Scripture now the class recites,

It violates the Bill of Rights.

And anytime my head I bow

Becomes a Federal matter now.

 

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,

That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.

The law is specific, the law is precise.

Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

 

For praying in a public hall

Might offend someone with no faith at all.

In silence alone we must meditate,

God's name is prohibited by the state.

 

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,

And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks..

They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.

To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,

And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.

It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,

We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.

 

We can get our condoms and birth controls,

Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.

But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,

No word of God must reach this crowd

 

It's scary here I must confess,

When chaos reigns the school's a mess.

So, Lord, this silent plea I make:

Should I be shot; My soul please take!

Amen

   
 
    A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
 
  He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
  I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
  I want her to know what I go through.
  So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
  Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
  The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
  He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
  Set out their school clothes,
  Fed them breakfast,
  Packed their lunches,
  Drove them to school,
  Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
  Took it to the cleaners
  And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,
  Then drove home to put away the groceries,
  Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
  He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
  Then, it was already 01P.M.
  And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
  Dust,
  And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
  Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
  Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
  Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
  At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,
  He cleaned the kitchen,
  Ran the dishwasher,
  Folded laundry,
  Bathed the kids,
  And put them to bed.
  At 09 P.M .
  He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
  I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
  Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
  Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
  'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
  You got pregnant last night.'


This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year!

 

I am amazed by the simplicity of his idea. Why can't we just get er done?

Bush wants us to cut the amount of  gas we use. The best way to stop using
so much gas is to deport  11million illegal immigrants! That would be 11
million less people using our  gas.  The price of gas would come down.
Bring our troops home  from Iraq to guard the border.  When they catch an
illegal
immigrant  crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo
and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must
serve a
tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax
him on
it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he
defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a
legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and
provide a solution
for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for
themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the
canteen, rifle or ammo.  Problem solved. If you think this is a good
solution to
both the problems, forward it to your friends.
I just  did.

George Carlin

Making a baby.  This is hilarious!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family.  On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.  The man
should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.  'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good.  Did you
know babies are my specialty?'

' Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in and have a
seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.  I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.  And sometimes the living room
floor is fun.  You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.  But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.  I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so.  I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right.  People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied.  'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my ! shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to
pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment? '

'It's true, Ma'am, yes..  Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am.  I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.  It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long.'




Mrs. Smith fainted

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING

 
A message every adult should read because children
are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my
first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately
wanted to paint another one.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a
stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind
to animals.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my
favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little
things can be the special things in life.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a
prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always
talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a
meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I
learned that we all have to help take care of each
other.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of
your time and money to help people who had nothing,
and I learned that those who have something should
give to those who don't.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care
of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have
to take care of what we are given.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you
handled your responsibilities, even when you didn' t
feel good, and I learned that I would have to be
responsible when I grow up.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come
from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things
hurt, but it's all right to cry.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you
cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of
life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and
productive person when I grow up.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and
wanted to say,' Thanks for all the things I saw when
you thought I wasn't looking.'

 
I AM SENDING THIS TO ALL OF THE PEOPLE I KNOW
WHO DO SO MUCH FOR OTHERS,   
BUT THINK THAT NO ONE EVER SEES.
LITTLE EYES SEE A LOT.

 
Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, friend)
influences the life of a child.

My son is moving to Texas.  He will be in the Dallas, Fort Worth area.  My geography isnt the best but my question is this.  What Fox network and station will he be in?

I know this is for houston area, I have a cousin that is in Austin, Texas and now my son is going to be in Dallas, Fort Worth.  I would like to be able to check out some of the news from those areas.

Any ideas or advice would be helpful.  I feel like a fish out of water here cause this will be his first time away from home and he is 23 years old.  Its kind of like the first time I let him ride his bike to the store with a friend of his, but knew he had to cross this busy street, I let him go but followed him from a distance in the car.

I know I have "issues" I have been told.

Modern Parable Jibs so far: 2 Jabs so far: 0

Modern parable - Ford Motor Company

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. 
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
>
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
>
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
>
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
>
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
>
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 are a steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
>
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the
rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
>
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
>
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India Sadly, The End.
>
Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US,
claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
>
Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
>
IF THIS WEREN'T TRUE, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY.

 JUST A BIT OF FUN FACTS In The 1500's
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

These are interesting...

Most people got ma