survivormom's Blog

Some may say I have this in the wrong section, but to me this is not very entertaining and not many read the Faith blogs so I put here. Today I heard the news of another child, another friend of my sons, a kid I coached at T-ball has died. A senseless death. Playing a game with a gun. When are these kids going to learn when you do stupid things like this, you are not only hurting/killing yourself you are hurting/killing us. The ones that have to stay on Earth and feel the pain of your loss. What is it going to take for you kids today to learn some respect and stop doing stupid crap. Have you not learned yet with all the things that have gone on that you are not invincible? I hurt as if you were my own and I am tired of hurting for all the children. I hope my son, you can finally understand why I "blow" your cell phone up and I am constantly "riding your back", I do this because I love you. So, as long as your my son and I am your mother get used to it! I wrote a little poem today. It's not very good, but helps to release some of my anger. And yes, I know I shouldn't be angry with God, I can't help what I feel. I am angry with these kids today and I am angry with the parents, and society. Thanks to all who listen to me get my anger off my chest.

God,

Please tell me why you do what you do....

You give us angels and take them back to you.

These angels were meant for me....

For some reason they had to go back to Thee.

I know a child is a blessing from above....

So, please tell me why you took our love.

I have tried to teach right from wrong....

Was there something else I could have done to make them strong?

Teens today think they know it all....

Please show us how to teach them not to fall.

God, please give us another chance....

And bring our angels home for another dance!!!

A married couple, in their early 60's, was celebrating their 44th wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table.
She said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and especially at this time,
I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my darling husband."
The fairy waved her magic wand; and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner
And Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a minute and said:
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
So I'm going with my mind and not my Heart . I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed.
But a wish is a wish. So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and -
Poof! - the husband became 92 years old...

The Moral of the story...

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember...

Fairies are Female.

PRINT AND SAVE IN CAR GLOVE BOX.
ALSO KEEP COPY AT HOME OR OFFICE
 
5 THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR CELL PHONE COULD DO
 
There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:
 
FIRST -- Emergency
The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.
 
SECOND--
Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
Editor's Note: It works fine!
We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a cell phone!"
 
THIRD--
Hidden Battery Power Imagine your cell battery is very low.
To activate, press the keys *3370# Your cell will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell next time.
 
FOURTH--
How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone? To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 #
A 15 digit code will appear on the screen.
This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
And Finally....
 
FIFTH--
Free Directory Service for Cells Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1.75 or more for 411 information calls when they don't have to. Most of us do not carry a telephone directory in our vehicle, which makes this situation even more of a problem. When you need to use the 411 information option, simply dial: (800) FREE 411, or (800) 373-3411 without incurring any charge at all. Program this into your cell phone now

Gentle thoughts for today.
 
Birds of a feather flock together and dirty on your car.
 
A penny saved is a government oversight.
 
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
 
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
 
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
 
He who hesitates is probably right.
 
If you can smile when things go wrong, you probably have someone in mind to blame.
 
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
 
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
 
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
 
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
 
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
 
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
 
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
 
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
 
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
 
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
 
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
 
Change is what happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go.
 
Growing old ain't for sissies.
 
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN. !!
 

The Media Missed this one!!!!   Please read/share this with others you know. They'll appreciate it.

Subject:  Denzel Washington, and Brooks Army Medical Center
Don't know whether you heard about this but Denzel Washington and his family visited the troops at Brook Army Medical Center, in
San Antonio,Texas (BAM C) the other day. This is where soldiers who have been evacuated from Germany come to be hospitalized in the United States, especially burn victims. There are some buildings there called Fisher Houses.

The Fisher House is a Hotel where soldiers' families can stay, for little or no charge, while their soldier is staying in the Hospital. BAMC has quite a few of these houses on base, but as you can imagine,they are almost filled most of the time.
While Denzel Washington was visiting BAMC, they gave him a tour of one of the Fisher Houses. He asked how much one of them would cost to build.
He took his check book out and wrote a check for the full amount right there on the spot.
The soldiers overseas were amazed to hear this story and want to get the word out to the American public, because it warmed their hearts to hear it.

The question I have is why does:
Alec Baldwin,
Madonna,
Sean Penn and
other Hollywood types  make front page news with their anti-everything America trash and Denzel Washington's Patriotism doesn't even make page 3 in the Metro section of any newspaper except the Local newspaper in San Antonio.

Why, Why, Why ,   Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone Believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?   Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, Why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses Are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.  

I just want to say I hope the IDIOT who almost killed me and my kids today on 90 can sleep good tonight. You are an a**hole!!!  If I was not so shaken up by you running me off the road I would have grabbed my cell phone and turned you in. What kind of person drives like that anywhere especially on a highway. I hope someone else got your plate number and turned you in you coward! Thanks to you my kids are very upset and are still crying. Take your road rage someplace else where you can only KILL yourself and nobody else.

When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins! Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized'.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson'!

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB
THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BEHIND THAN YOURS

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental
> Hospital.
>
> Please select from the following options :
>
> If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
>
> If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press
> 2 for you.
>
> If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5
> and 6.
>
> If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what
> you want, stay on
> the line so we can trace your call.
>
> If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
> forwarded to the
> Mother Ship.
>
> If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a
> little voice will tell
> you which number to press.
>
> If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
> number you press,
> nothing will make you happy an yway.
>
> If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
>
> If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the
> beep or before the
> beep or after the beep.
> Please wait for the beep.
>
> If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
> If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
> If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
>
> If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our
> operators are too busy
> to talk with you.
>
> If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up,
> turn on the fan, lie
> down and cry.
> You won't be crazy forever.
>
> If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll
> just mess it up.
>
> This coming week is National Mental Health Care
> week. You can do your
> part
> by remembering to contact at least one unstable
> person to show you care.

I love this one!

 

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a
Little chat.
He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our
Honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,and
Said, "Here - try these on."
She did and said, 'These are too big,;I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will."
"Ever since that night we never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike.  He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his
Honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these
On."
She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said,
"Here-you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude,
You never will."
And they lived happily ever. 

URINE TEST
(I sure would like to know who wrote this one! They deserve a HUGE pat on the back!)
 
Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their butts, doing drugs, while I work. . . . Can you imagine how much m oney the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check ?

Merry Christmas Mission

I'm on a mission and I'm in full throttle now. My little red car has turned into a Christmas billboard with written across the back window. Yes, I've decided to trek off to work everyday on the public highways with a message that seems to offend people.

At stop lights, I even turn my music up a little louder, and to top it off, I sing along with it. Don't I know that stopping at a red light to roll my windows down only to share the joy of Christmas carols on public streets is a No-No? Don't I fear the Christmas Gestapo and those who would have me remove the written message from my car?

I'm sorry folks, but the only person I'm concerned about "offending" during this Christmas season is the Lord himself.
 LEAVE THAT MANGER ALONE!

We've allowed the Baby Jesus to be kicked out of His lowly manger, and those offended by Christmas are still not happy.

I refuse to let this happen. I'm going to do my part to make sure doesn't become extinct. Because like it or not, if the believers in Christmas don't take a stand now, it's gone forever.

Listen folks, the Christian community has been underestimated before; we will have to show ourselves again.

I walked into a Wendy's Restaurant the other day and was rather exuberant with my greeting to the manager. He didn't have much of a response and I said, "Where's your Christmas spirit?" He said, "We're not allowed to use the words
  when greeting customers. We can only say "Happy Holiday."

This morning I grabbed a quick breakfast at a Whataburger Restaurant. I noticed there wasn't a single decoration in the store. I asked the manager why they weren't decorated for Christmas. He told me the corporate headquarters decided not to send any decorations to any of their stores, and he didn't know why.

After I heard about all the Macy's and Federated Stores taking down their signs, the Target stores not allowing the Salvation Army to "Ring the Christmas bells," and the many incidents of children, choirs, and bands not allowed to play or sing Christmas carols, I realized it was happening right here in my own little Texas town.

How can this be? Not Texas!

 We do, however, have a store, Hobby Lobby, that plays nothing but Christmas carols during the season. On Christmas Day they run a full page ad in our local newspaper. That ad is not to promote the store, but uses the entire page to tell the story of Jesus' birth. Now that's taking a stand. We need to thank them.

When I saw a news report the other evening of children being taught new words to a song we've sung for years -
"We Wish You a "
- I was saddened to hear "We Wish You a Splendid Holiday."

I know now that it's just a matter of time till the greetings will be gone. Look around your town. Notice the "Holiday" greetings and not "Christmas." It's happening right before our very eyes.

Start singing the songs; go down the streets of America singing to your heart's content. Get some of those wash-off markers that these kids use to write on their car windows when they're rooting for their hometown football team. It's easy to do, and if a torrential rain washes it off, write it on there again.

We've got to get this message out.
" Go Tell It On the Mountain . . .
That Jesus ."
Sing it, speak it, be a billboard for our Lord.

The story of this "Baby Jesus" alone has brought about more goodwill at this time of year than any other day we celebrate. How can we sit back and allow Him to be snuffed out of our lives?

Is it Jesus, or is it His followers that the "offended" don't like? What kind of revulsion galvanizes one to campaign so vehemently against the mere mention of His name, the mere singing of a carol, or the mere visual of a sign that says

I can listen to my own boss at work use some of the vilest words and follow up with, "Excuse my French." I may cringe inside at his damning of God's name, but I tolerate it. So if you don't like me wishing you a

I'll say, "Excuse my joy." You may cringe that I celebrate the birth of Jesus, but just tolerate it.

 I cannot be concerned that offends you. If I'm not careful, the day will come when saying I'm a Christian will offend you.

I'm offended that you're offended. How about that?

When we get to a point that we can no longer take part in a tradition we hold dear, we have no choice; we either defend that tradition or we give it up to those who say NO. That's it . . . period. So, which will it be?

I'm not giving up my joy to anyone. If I know of someone that celebrates another holiday during this time of year, I will be glad to wish them whatever holiday they want. Just tell me what it is and I'll shout it to the world and wish you a grand celebration.

Just give me Christmas. To you merchants: Stop being so hypocritical and "filling your tills" on the back of Jesus! Who do you think is the symbol of giving at this time of year? It was the wise men bringing gifts to the newborn Christ-child.

You want your coffers full, but have ordered your employees to take down all the signs. If that's the case, I'll buy gifts at a place that understands my joy.

If you're worried about offending someone, you just did. The most recent Newsweek survey shows that 82% of Americans believe that Jesus is the Son of God. So, in trying not to offend a few, you've offended many.

It's okay to jump into the spirit when it fills your cash register, but let's call it something else . . . and don't stop giving . and don't stop buying. . . we'll just change the name and you'll never know the difference.

I know the difference and I'm feeling it greatly. It's hard not to be aware that townships across our country have actually banned the singing of Christmas carols because it might offend someone. And it's not just the religious songs; it's the secular ones too. No more "Jingle Bells" or "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" because they're associated with Christmas. Boy, aren't we getting sensitive?

If we're not celebrating Christmas for the hope it gives with the birth of our Savior . . . there is no hope!

My freedom to celebrate Christmas in the tradition of the Christian religion is as much my right as it is your right to be offended by it. So what are we going to do? Did anyone hear me . . what are we going to do?

Do we defend a person's right to go forward with a time tested tradition (how about 2000 years?), or do we defend a person's right to end it all because they're offended? As long as we live in this great land and have the freedom to express ourselves and what we believe in, we will always offend someone.

If we try to make everything right for everyone, we won't have anything for anyone.

May you always have in your heart!

I really hope this turned out ! I came across this and wanted to share. Thought with the way some of you feel about Christmas you can undersatand those of us that feel offended when we want to keep Merry Christmas alive.

  

SCHOOL 1977 vs. SCHOOL 2007

Scenario: Jack goes duck hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1977 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, the Feds and ATF are called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007- Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Re turns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra district funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1977 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.
1 977 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Lawyers file class action lawsuit against the public school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover 4th of July firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1977 - Ants die.
2007 ? FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. They investigate his parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him cr ying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. So The Next Time You Hear Those 3 Little Words
New World Order
Remember Then and Now !
30 years from Now who Knows what it will be like ???

I had heard about this but a picture is definitely worth 1000 words! God save us!!!



Respect
Senator Barack Obama, Governor Bill Richardson, Senator Hillary Clinton and Ruth Harkin stand during the national anthem.
Barack Hussein Obama's photo (that's his real name)......the article said he REFUSED TO NOT ONLY PUT HIS HAND ON HIS HEART DURING THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE, BUT REFUSED TO SAY THE PLEDGE.....how in the world can a man like this expect to be our next Commander-in-Chief????

Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank 
in the United States.
The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough
 to have it published in the New York Times.

 

  Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, and arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised of the following changes: I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. 
You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
 In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:

Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. 
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. 
This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble, with a guard at every door, and the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. New phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, Day.