newzjunky's Blog

The art of sharing...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat, occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered, 'The teeth.'

Oops!

Has anyone seen my watch?

That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.

Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Damn, there go the lights again...

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?

What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!

What do you mean, he's not insured?

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.

Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"

That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?

Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.

Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?

Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

I was talking to this little girl, Catherine, the daughter of some friends. She said she wanted to be President someday.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with us.

I asked Catherine - 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'

Catherine replied - 'I would give houses to all the Homeless people.'

'Wow - what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that, you can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in my back yard and I will pay you $5 dollars. Then, we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 dollars to use for a new house.

Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her Mom looked at me seething.

Catherine replied, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop and you can just pay him the $5 dollars?'

And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party'.

IF THIS MAKES IT PAST THE FOXPHILLY CENSORS I'LL BE AMAZED

A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.

The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered "When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro."

The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballs everywhere. When asked why he said "When I get out of here I going to be a professional baseball player."

The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things, until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in the middle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanut on the end of his penis. The student asked, "I understand about the others, but what are you going to be when you get out of here?"

"They're never going to let me out of here," the patient said "I'm f**king nuts!"

 

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called...and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

A teacher in Elmira, New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."

Got an old grampa or grandma a little out of shape? Are you an old fart wanting to lift weights but don't know where to start? Never fear, help is here! Follow along while we whip you into great condition!

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mom or dad.

Every man has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

Its impossible to look cool while picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

Old ladies can eat more than you think.

You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned electricity plug.

People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Spike" or "Rex". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

 When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend
so get yourself a dog."

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITES. BUT NOT CLOSE TO MY BEST!!!

 

Get up really early and sneak into your victims bathroom and fill their hair-dryer with baby powder. And when they turn it on, their head will be pure white just like an old person.

Before one of your family members takes a shower, remove the shower head and place a life-saver candy in it, replace the shower head with the candy now trapped in it. When the person takes a shower he or she will not notice, until they get out and start to dry off the towel will stick to them they will get back in the shower to rinse off... works like a charm.

Find a box about the size of a cake. Then cover it with frosting, making it look like a cake. Then put it out in the office kitchen, or wherever people leave free food. Sit back as one of your co-workers tries to cut a slice.

Take an empty coffee mix can and replace it with a can with coffee mix in it. Make sure coffee cans are the same brand, or it will not work. At the bottom of the can put a piece of paper that says April Fools. Make sure you help the person with making their coffee to see their reaction. 

This ones for all you pet owners! First, put a walky talky some wear near the area of where your pet is laying. Go into another room with the other walky talky. Then, when your brother/sister goes to pet your furry friend, say something like..."Hey Pal! Get your grimy hands off me!"

 They'll get a kick outta this one!!! Get a small alarm clock and set it for 3:00 a.m. Sneak under the victim's bed. Once it goes off, he/she won't be able to find it will drive them nuts

Switch the "Pull" and "Push" signs on a set of doors. Watch as people get confused trying to open the doors. (Don't do this on fire escapes)

You will need a funnel, a coin, a couple of friends and, of course, a victim! Start playing the 'funnel game' in front of your victim. A game of skill that involves putting the funnel down the front of your pants and balancing the coin on your nose with your head tilted back. Tip your head forward to let the coin drop into the funnel. When you have the victim begging to do this put the funnel in his pants and get him to put his head back so you can balance the coin on his nose. As this is happening pour a large drink into the funnel!

Stick a post-it note under your friend's mouse so that the paper leaf covers the mouse ball - the mouse will no longer work! Align so that the sticky part of the note doesn't touch the ball. Costs next to nothing to do, and doesn't cause any damage.

Grab a bottle of liquid soap and head toward the "victims" bedroom. Squirt some of the soap onto your hand and rub all over the doorknob of his/her room. Run away before he or she sees you in the process of doing this prank.

  Glue eggs to the carton and beg for eggs in the morning. When the victim gets them the eggs break! 

 When your victims asleep sneak into their room and draw eyebrows and a moustache on their face, make sure to be their when they look in the mirror.

Put some water in a cereal bowl, and place it in the freezer so that the water freezes. Offer to make your sister/brother cereal in the morning. Make sure you use that same bowl. Put their favorite cereal over the top of the ice, and serve. 

 Take a rubber band and slip it over the lever on the spray handle so that when someone turns the sink on, it will spray him or her in the face.

This is an easy way to pull a great prank Tell your kids that you just got the test scores from the proficiency tests and then go down stairs and say to your kids your going to go and make copies and then come running / walking and make your face look like you just saw a ghost and say to your kids that whatever your principals name is just spilled coffee on the proficiency tests and the will have to take it again.

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ' For the love of God! ' ' Go! Go! Go ! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked your cousin, who was with me, what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck right back. Your cousin burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

Uh, Jim? Where the hell are you?  Jeep & I were talking, and got to worrying cause we ain't heard from you in a while..  Hit me back so that I know you are alright my friend.