20 MINUTES INTO THE FUTURE

Getting a jump on its network colleagues, CBS News has projected that The Bomber is our new president.

"We have to get the jump NBC and ABC." said CBS News anchorperson Katie Couric.

CBS' projection of a winner is based on just under 1/20 of 1 percent of the mail in ballots by the elderly in just over  2 percent of the precincts that are expected to vote nationwide.

Although the mail in ballots cannot be opened until Nov 4, CBS spokesman Ivan Iluvabama says his network's projection is scientifically accurate.

"We took senior citizens who were hardcore Bomber and McCain supporters and had them mark test ballots," Illuvabama explained.

"Those who voted for The Bomber were much more vociferous than McCain voters -- and on the average their ballots weighed .358mg more than the ballots of McCain supporters."

Based on the overwhelming findings of CBS, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is calling for the Nov. 4 election to be suspended and The Bomber be named President by acclimation.

"I see no reason he cannot be in the Oval Office ready for business by Monday morning," the speaker said.