hillbilly67's Blog

 'Some people!' snorted a man standing behind me in the long line at the grocery store.  'You would think the manager would pay attention and open another line, 'said a woman. I looked to the front of the line to see what the hold up was and saw a well dressed, young woman, trying to get the machine to accept her credit card. No matter how many times she swiped it, the machine kept rejecting it. 
            'It's one of them welfare card things. Damn people need to get a job like everyone else,' said the man standing behind me. The young woman turned around to see who had made the comment.   'It was me,' he said, pointing to himself.

            The young lady's face began to change expression. Almost in tears, she dropped the welfare card onto the counter and quickly walked out of the store. Everyone in the checkout line watched as she began running to her car. Never looking back, she got in and drove away. 
            After developing cancer in 1977 and having had to use food stamps; I had learned never to judge anyone, without knowing the circumstances of their life. This turned out to be the case today. 
            Several minutes later a young man walked into the store. He went up to the cashier and asked if she had seen the woman. After describing her, the cashier told him that she had run out of the store, got into her car, and drove away. 
            'Why would she do that?' asked the man. Everyone in the line looked around at the fellow who had made the statement.   'I made a stupid comment about the welfare card she was using.  Something I shouldn't have said. I'm sorry,' said the man. 
            'Well, that's bad, real bad, in fact.  Her brother was killed in Afghanistan two years ago. He had three young children and she has taken on that responsibility. She's twenty years old, single, and now has three children to support,' he said in a very firm voice. 
            'I'm really truly sorry. I didn't know,' he replied, shaking both his hands about. 
            The young man asked, 'Are these paid for?' pointing to the shopping cart full of groceries. 'It wouldn't take her card,' the clerk told him. 
            'Do you know where she lives?' asked the man who had made the comment. 
            'Yes, she goes to our church.' 
            'Excuse me,' he said as he made his way to the front of the line. He pulled out his wallet, took out his credit card and told the cashier, 'Please use my card. PLEASE!' The clerk took his credit card and began to ring up the young woman's groceries. 
            Hold on,' said the gentleman. He walked back to his shopping cart and began loading his own groceries onto the belt to be included. 'Come on people. We got three kids to help raise!' he told everyone in line. Everyone began to place their groceries onto the fast moving belt. A few customers began bagging the food and placing it into separate carts. 'Go back and get two big turkeys,' yelled a heavyset woman, as she looked at the man. 'NO,' yelled the man.  Everyone stopped dead in their tracks. The entire store became quiet for several seconds. 'Four turkeys,' yelled the man. Everyone began laughing and went back to work. 
            When all was said and done, the man paid a total of  $1,646.57 for the groceries. He then walked over to the side,  pulled out his check book, and began writing a check using the bags of dog food piled near the front of the store for a writing surface. He turned around and handed the check to the young man. 'She will need a freezer and a few other things as well,' he told the man. 
            The young man looked at the check and said, 'This is really very generous of you.' 'No,' said the man. 'Her brother was the generous one.' 
            Everyone in the store had been observing the odd commotion and began to clap.  And I drove home that day feeling very American. 
            We live in the Land of the free, because of the Brave!!! Remember our Troops of Yesterday and Today!!! 
            A great example of why we should be kind and patient. 
            Kindness is the language the blind can see and the deaf can hear. 
            May God's many blessings continue to be with you  -  ALWAYS!!! 

  
MAY THIS KEEP GOING.... IT WILL OPEN A LOT OF EYES, HOPEFULLY HEARTS, AND KEEP SOME MOUTHS SHUT

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they
asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project'
said  Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after  school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
offhis chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to
my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that
nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears.
'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, He is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three
times.

How to Dance in the Rain

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb.  He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.  I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him.   I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.  On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I as ked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.  The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife  I inquired as to her health. 
He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.  As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.   

He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'  

He smiled as he patted my hand and said,   'She doesn't know me, but I  still know who she is.'
I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought,
'That is the kind of love I want in my life.' 
True love is neither physical, nor romantic.    True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.  With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message.  This one I thought I could share with you.   The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.  I hope you share this with someone you care about.  I just did.   'Life isn't about how to survive the storm,    but how to dance in the rain.' __________________________________________________

One for the girls

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman.....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.

Subject: Fw: try it it couldn't hurt....cinnamon

Bet the drug companies won't like this one getting around.

   Facts on honey and cinnamon:  It is found that a mixture of honey and
cinnamon cures most diseases.  Honey is produced in most of the countries of
the world.  Scientists of today also accept honey as a "Ram Ban" (very
effective) medicine for all kinds of diseases.  Honey can be used without
any side effects for any kind of diseases.

Today's science says that even though honey is sweet, if taken in the right
dosage as a medicine, it does not harm diabetic patients.  Weekly World
News, a ma gazine in Canada, in its issue dated 17 January, 1995 has given
the following list of diseases that can be cured by honey and cinnamon as
researched by western scientists:

HEART DISEASES:
Make a paste of honey and cinnamon powder, apply on bread, instead of jelly
and jam, and eat it regularly for breakfast.  It reduces the cholesterol in
the arteries and saves the patient from heart attack. Also those who have
already had an attack, if they do this process daily, they are kept miles
away from the next attack.  Regular use of the above process relieves loss
of breath and strengthens the heart beat.  In America and Canada, various
nursing homes have treated patients successfully and have found that as  you
age, the arteries and veins lose their flexibility and get clogged; honey
and cinnamon revitalize the arteries and ve ins.

ARTHRITIS:
Arthritis patients may take daily, morning, and night, one cup of hot water
with two spoons of honey and o ne small teaspoon of cinnamon powder. If
taken regularly even chronic arthritis can be cured.  In a recent research
conducted at the Copenhagen University, it was found that when the doctors
treated their patients with a mixture of one tablespoon Honey and half
teaspoon Cinnamon powder before breakfast, they found that within a week,
out of the 200 people so treated, practically 73 patients were totally
relieved of pain, and within a month, mostly all the patients who could not
walk or move around because of arthritis started walking without pain.

BLADDER INFECTIONS:
Take two tablespoons of cinnamon powder and one teaspoon of honey in a glass
of lukewarm water and drink it.  It destroys the germs in the bladder.

CHOLESTEROL:
Two tablespoons of honey and three teaspoons of Cinnamon Powder mixed in 16
ounces of tea water, given to a cholesterol patient, was found to reduce the
level of cholesterol in the blood by 10 percent within two hours.  As
mentioned for arthritic patients, if taken three times a day, any chronic
cholesterol is cured.  According to information received in the said
journal, pure honey taken with food daily relieves complaints of
cholesterol.

COLDS:
Those suffering from common or severe colds should take one tablespoon
lukewarm honey wit h 1/4 spoon cinnamon powder daily for three days. This
process will cure mos t chronic cough, cold, and clear the sinuses.

UPSET STOMACH:
Honey taken with cinnamon powder cures stomach ache and also clears stomach
ulcers from the root.

GAS:
According to the studies done in India and Japan, it is revealed that if
honey is taken with cinnamon powder the stomach is relieved of gas.

IMMUNE SYSTEM:
Daily use of honey and cinnamon powder strengthens the immune system and
protects the body from bacteria and viral attacks.  Scientists have found
that honey has various vitamins and iron in large amounts.  Constant use of
honey strengthens the white blood corpuscles to fight bacteria and viral
diseases.

INFLUENZA:
A scientist in Spain has proved that honey contains a natural
Ingredient which kills the influenza germs and saves the patient from flu.

LONGEVITY:
Tea made with honey and cinnamon powder, when taken regularly, arrests the
ravages of old age.  Take four spoons of honey, one spoon of cinnamon powder
and three cups of water and boil to make like tea.  Drink 1/4 cup, three to
four times a day.  It keeps the skin fresh and soft and arrests old age.
Life spans also increases and even a 100 year old, starts performing the
chores of a 20-year-old.

PIMPLES:
Three tablespoon s of honey and one teaspoon of cinnamon powder paste. Apply
this paste on the pimples before sleeping and wash it next morning with warm
water.  If done daily for two weeks, it removes pimples from the root.

SKIN INFECTIONS:
Applying honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts on the affected parts
cures eczema, ringworm and all types of skin infections.

WEIGHT LOSS:
Daily in the morning one half hour before breakfast on an empty stomach and
at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon powder boiled in one
cup of water.  If taken regularly, it reduces the weight of even the most
obese person.  Also, drinking this mixture regularly does not allow the fat
to accumulate in the body even though the person may eat a high calorie
diet.

CANCER:
Recent research in Japan and Australia has revealed that advanced cancer of
the stomach and bones have been cured successfully.  Patients suffering from
these kinds of cancer should daily t ake one tablespoon of honey with one
teaspoon of cinnamon powder for one month three times a day.

FATIGUE:
Recent studies have shown that the sugar content of honey is more helpful
rather than! than being  detrimental to the strength of the body.
Senior citizens, who take honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts, are more
alert and flexible.  Dr. Milton, who has done research, says that a half
tablespoon of honey taken in a glass of water and sprinkled with cinnamon
powder, taken daily after brushing and in the afternoon at about 3:00 P.M.
when the vitality of the body starts to decrease, increases the vitality of
the bo dy within a week.

BAD BREATH:
People of South America, first thing in the morning, gargle with one
teaspoon of honey and cinnamon powder mixed in hot water, so their breath
stays fresh throughout the day.

HEARING LOSS:
Daily morning and night honey and cinnamon powder, taken in equal parts
restore hearing.

Remember when we were kids?  We had toast with real butter and cinnamon
sprinkled on it!

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER    You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...     Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the
Course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice
how   beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had
long been   suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and
this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more be tween
Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know
what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I
are just roommates.'  About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying , 'Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took
it, do you?'  Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an
e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
_______________________________________________________
_______

Dear Mom,
 
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from
the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy
ladle.  But the fact remains that one has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner. 
Love, Brian
_______________________________________________________
_______

Several days later, Brian received an email back from
his mother that read:

_______________________________________________________
_______

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm
not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her
own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
 
Love, Mom
_______________________________________________________
_______
   LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER    

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A  little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit  together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they
both
Brought chicken  sandwiches every day!  This went on all through the fourth and
fifth  
Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken  sandwich.  
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating  chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating  it.'



'Why?' he  asked.
She  pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers 
down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her  skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are!   Better  not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken  sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. 
He said
To the little gir l, 'I  have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to
get feathers
Down there too!'  She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for
her!


She said  

'Oh no,   it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GiBBLETS!!! 

I MIGHT OF POSTED THIS BEFORE IF I DID PLEASE FORGIVE ME, YET I THOUGHT THIS WAS INTERESTING..

 

SO ENJOY

 

DID YOU KNOW?  (some new ones here!)
 
 
Peel a banana from the bottom and you won't have to pick the little "stringy things" off of it. That's how the primates do it.

Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.

Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!

Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating. Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cook ing.

Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.

To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up.

For a cool brownie treat, make brownies as directed. Melt Andes mints in double broiler and pour over warm brownies. Let set for a wonderful minty frosting.

Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a l ight taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.

Leftover snickers bars from Halloween make a delicious dessert.  Simple chop them up with the food chopper.  Peel, core and slice a few apples.  Place them in a baking dish and sprinkle the chopped candy bars over the apples.  Bake at 350 for 15 minutes!!! Serve alone or with vanilla ice cream.  Yum

1. Reheat Pizza
Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.

2. Easy Deviled Eggs
Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag.  Seal, mash till they are all broken up.  Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg.  Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.

3. Expanding Frosting
When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes.  You can double it in size.  You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount.  You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.

4. Reheating refrigerated bread
To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.

5. Newspaper weeds away
Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers, put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds.  Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get thro ugh wet newspapers.

6. Broken Glass
Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.

7. No More Mosquitoes
Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.

8. Squirrel Away!
To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.

9. Flexible vacuum
To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum.  It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.

10. Reducing Static Cling
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress.  Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and -- ta da! -- static is gone.

11. Measuring Cups
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup , fill with hot water.  Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.

12. Foggy Windshield?
Hate foggy windshields?  Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car.  When the windows fog, rub with the eraser!  Works better than a cloth!

13. Reopening envelope
If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two.  Viola! It unseals easily.

14. Conditioner
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair...

15. Goodbye Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass fill it 1/2" with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid, m ix well.  You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!

16. Get Rid of Ants
Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it
"home," can't digest it so it kills them.  It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works & you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!

17. INFO ABOUT CLOTHES DRYERS
The heating unit went out on my dryer! The gentleman that fixes things around the house for us told us that he wanted to show us something and he went over to the dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. (I always clean the lint from the filter after every load clothes.)
He told us that he wanted to show us something; he took the filter over to the sink, ran hot water over it. The lint filter is made of a mesh material - I'm sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks like.
Well,...the hot water just sat on top of the mesh! It didn't go through it at all!  He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh that's what burns out the heating unit. You can't SEE the film, but it's
there. It's what is in the dryer sheets to make your clothes soft and static free -- that nice fragrance too, you know how they can feel waxy when you take them out of the box, well this stuff builds up on your clothes and on your lint screen. This is also what causes dryer units to catch fire & potentially burn your house down with it!  He said the best
way to keep your dryer working for a very long time (& to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out & wash it with hot soapy water & an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months.  He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long!  How about that!?! Learn something new everyday!  I certainly didn't know dryer sheets would do that. So, I thought I'd share!

Note: I went to my dryer & tested my screen by running water on it. The
water ran through a little bit but mostly collected all the water in
the mesh screen. I washed it with warm soapy water & a nylon brush & I had it done in 30 seconds.  Then when I rinsed it -- the water ran right thru the screen!  There wasn't any puddling at all!  That repairman knew what he was talking about!

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO OTHER PEOPLE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK.  NOT ONLY COULD IT SAVE SOMEONE'S HOME, BUT IT COULD SAVE SOMEON E'S LIFE. 

I RECIEVED THIS AS AN E-MAIL TODAY THOUGHT I'D PASS THIS ALONG TO YOU.




God's Problem


 
The wife's graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
 
The husband, a little old man, looked at the pastor and calmly said,
 
'Well, she's there.'

The 'Middle Wife,' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students.

It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles,model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, things like that, and I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing child, takes her turn and waddles
up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow,and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'Mom walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'

Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.'My Dad called the middle wife.
She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Pizza Hut man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!'

This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting,but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.' Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder , just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!

Subject: Clean Jokes   Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in
white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of
happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So
why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was
running as fast as she could, trying not to be late
for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late! Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a
curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and
tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off,
and started running again! As she ran she once
again began to pray, 'Dear L ord, please don't let
me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~


Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls
it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls
it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls
it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect
all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never
married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her
handwritten instructions for her memorial service,
she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was
alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm
dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~


A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What
w ould you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph
and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A
small child replied, 'They couldn't get a
baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her five and six year olds. After
explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and
thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment
that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~


At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings. Little Johnny
seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve
was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down
as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what
is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have
pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~


Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after
hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said
to the other, 'What do you think about all this
Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa
Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

Daddy's Poem

Her hair was up in a pony tail,
her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
and she couldn't wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her,
that she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
if she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;
she knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried,
for her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
she tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school
eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees
a dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back,
for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
anxious in their seats

One by one the teacher called
a student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
as seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
a man who wasn't there.

'Where's her daddy at?'
She heard a boy call out.
'She probably doesn't have one,'
another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,
she heard a daddy say,
'Looks like another deadbeat dad,
too busy to waste his day.'

The words did not offend her,
as she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
who told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back,
slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
came words incredibly unique.

'My Daddy couldn't be here,
because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
and how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories
he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
and taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,
and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him.
I'm not standing here alone.

'Cause my daddy's al ways with me,
even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
he'll forever be in my heart'

With that, her little hand reached up,
and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,
her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love
of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down,
staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
but its message clear and loud.

'I love my daddy very much,
he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
but heaven's just too far.

You see he is a Canadian soldier
And died just this past year
When a roadside bomb hit his convoy
and taught Canadians to fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes,
it's like he never went away.'
And then she closed her eyes,
and saw him there that day.

And to her mothers amazement,
she witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
all starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,
who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
they saw him at her side.

'I know you're with me Daddy,'
to the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,
for each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing,
that heaven is never too far.

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While
suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of
his favorite pierogi with
fried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted
himself from the bed.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs.

Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame,
gazing into the kitchen,
where if not for death's agony, he would have
thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on
the kitchen table were
hundreds of his favorite pierogi.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from
his wife of sixty
years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy
man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his
knees in a crumpled
posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous
taste of the pierogi was
already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he
reached up to the edge of
the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a
wooden spoon by his wife.
Back off!" she said.

"Those are for the funeral. "

GOD's Busy 
 
If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid
remarks!!!!!!! A United States Marine was attending
some college courses between assignments. He had
completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan
 
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed
atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the
professor shocked the class when he came in. He
looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if
you are real, then I want you to knock me off this
platform.? I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The
lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed,
"Here I am God. I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the
Marine got out of his chair, went up to the
professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the
platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine
went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The
other students were shocked and stunned and sat
there looking on in silence.? The professor
eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the
Marine and asked, "What the heck is the matter with
you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly
replied, "God was too busy today protecting
America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to
say stupid stuff and act like an idiot.
So, He sent me."
 

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2007

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'.

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!