John_Schwada's Blog

Urban legend or what? A friend tells me the word around the water-cooler is that taxpayers are getting automated, telemarketing phone calls from President Bush. About the tax rebates. It’s a pretty sophisticated campaign. According to my sources, you get a recorded message from Bush that goes something like this:

“Hey pardner. How’s it hanging. Hehehe. So listen, I just wanted to have a word with you about that tax rebate that’s headed you way, comin’ in the mail any day now. Now, I know you’re not over in Iraq, fighting the Taliban – or is that Afghanistan? Whatever.

“But you too can be a soldier of sorts – fighting the economic slow-down - by taking that rebate check right down to the mall and going on a little buying spree. You know, if your wife is anything like Laura, my little first lady, she could probably use a few more useless gadgets and dust-gatherers – made of shoddy materials built by child-labor in some third world country.

“And if your really strapped for ideas – check out the Sky-Mall catalogue, you know the ones on the airplanes. They got some great products: you know that device that translates your dog’s barks into English, or that radio that works in the shower. Or how about that tool for zapping spiders with an electric beam? Jesus H. Christ, son. Get out there and buy.

“Don’t tell me you don’t have enough room in your house to squeeze in one more flat-screen TV. And I sure as hell don’t want to hear you bellyaching that you can’t fit any more gadgets in your bathroom. It don’t matter! That hasn’t stopped millions and gazillions of good solid, law-abiding, God-fearing Americans from going the public storage route. Hell, Laura and I own a whole damned public storage facility to hold our junk. On a rainy winter afternoon, the two of us go over to public storage and visit our stuff – it’s all in numbered boxes. I mean, it’s heartwarming to sit there and pull out, say, box 410, and find six ceramic cows that the Malaysian ambassador gave us or a ceremonial sword or two that I picked up on a trip to Moldovia. Kind of like Christmas. A surprise in every storage box.

“Think of it this way, pardner. You’re being an Al Quada suck-up if you put that treasury check in a sock and hide it under your bed. Spend it for God’s sakes! It’s your patriotic duty.

“And listen if you like what I’ve been doin’ over the last eight years then here’s another little idea – invest in John McCain! Buy a little piece of a good Republican. Send him a contribution. I understand he’s having trouble raising money. Unlike those Democrats, Obama and Hillary. He could sure use your help.

“Well, that’s about it from me. I’ll let you go. I know you’re probably working ten-hour days to pay for $4 gas, the kid’s kidney bypass operation and your subprime house loan from Countrywide…So carry on and enjoy. God bless you.”

Now I haven't got that call yet from the President but I have been thinking about his message and trying to figure out what to do with my rebate.