Hittokiri's Hara-Kiri Forum

 I'm a Democrat but even I got a laugh out of this.

I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. 
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. 

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.  The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 
 
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers. 

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson. 

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs. 

Yesterday, some Mexican ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'jacka**'

Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.

Dang, I LOVE this truck!

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started ..

*******************************************************
*************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started ..

*******************************************************
*************************

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it - he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started ..

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now
be worth $49.00.
 
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.
 
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
 
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock, you would have
$49.00 left.
 
If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.
 
But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you
would have $214.00.
 
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

THIS IS CALLED THE 401-KEG PLAN.

Beware people, voting left will be a big mistake. Why? you ask. Because in an increasingly desperate day and age people look more and more to comedy. What does this have to do with your vote? you ask. Simple if we have a Republican comedians have loads and loads of materials, it never end the when the Republicans are in office.  Sure you could vote for Barrack and there would be an initial surge of jokes for him, but they would quickly die. All the "no black president" jokes will be irrelevant. You would have a week of "wanted: white house chef needed who can cook low and slow" and "White house gets new paint job" jokes, but that would be it. So..

A Democrat in office is not a funny thing!
Vote Republican...... your laugh depends on it.








lol

Here is an optical illusion

-follow the movement, everything should look fine
- Look at the + but still follow the movement, a green dot will start moving around the circle
- keep your eyes on the + and the dots should disappear



obviously the dots neither turn green nor disappear, but this is a neat illusion

Ever wondered what happened to the guy on Mad magazine.

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making
her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck
would have it, an Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The
attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but
she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the
way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always
resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,

               'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

Fear and Wonder

... And so they surrounded us, the wolves of the mountain with only one thing on their mind, food. Which we would soon become. The pack of three circled us in perfect unison. The rank of the wolves no longer mattered alpha, beta and omega all working together to feast on two lowly humans. The other human, my friend of twenty plus years, stuck with me in this worse case scenario. He attempted to escape through a gap in their pacing. The blood soaked roar and nip of the alpha soon brought him back to the center. On this cold lonely night three days into our expedition, after losing our rifles to the river and losing our third comrade to a hungry bear. We had figured that this voyage could no longer become worse. one-hundred and thirty meters from the edge of this forest of death, we ran into these hungry creatures, at first there were five but, between me and my friend killing two of them was simple enough, however those two were weak by the pack. The remaining three were the ones who in fact killed the other two after they fell before us. We could only watch in fear and wonder at this spectacular yet still horrifying sight. We managed to point the video camera that way when it happened. As they destroyed their own comrades we began to run. The remaining chasing after us shortly there after. We made it out of the forest, but that did not guarantee us our safety. At the moment we exited the forest, the alpha ran in front of us. There the beta and omega began to circle us, the alpha quickly joining in. All hope seemed lost when I looked up in the sky and saw the big glowing moon. My pupils soon began to dilate and the moon appeared crimson in my eyes. Soon my arms and legs felt hairy and they began to grow and rip my clothes. I then blacked out, when I awoke I saw a most horrible sight, my friend ripped straight in half and his guts spilling out. It was already dawn and I thought everything that just happened was a dream, but seeing my friend I realized something was not right. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the three wolves but they were also dead. They were torn up like wrapping paper on Christmas morning. They weren't torn up like my friend but the wolves no longer had their heads. I noticed the video camera and I replayed everything that had happened. This is when I saw the horror that I was. The very beast responsible for destroying my town when I was younger. Then I watched in horror as I saw that I was the one that tore apart my own friend. I dropped the camera and walked away, to go live in the mountains by myself. If I'm lucky a few people might see me and I may become a legend.

1) Choose a number between 2 and 10

 

2) Multiply that number by 2

 

3) Add 5

 

4) Multiply it by 50

 

5) If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758 ....
If you haven't, add 1757.

 

6) Now subtract the 4 digit number of the year you were born

 

7) You should have a 3 digit number. The first will be the number you originally chose and the second should be your age.

 

This is a neat little trick that will only work in 2008. 

Title: Across the Nightingale Floor (Tales of the Otori: Book One)
Author: Lian Hearn
ISBN: 1573223328


   Across the Nightingale floor is the story of a boy named Takeo who grows up among the religious Hidden. His village is attacked and he is the only survivor. After insulting Lord Iida, Takeo is a wanted man, but he is rescued by Shigeru Otori. His amazing story begins here.

   Across the Nightingale Floor is an amazing book in what will certainly be a great series. This book was recommended to me by a friend who said it was the book she most associated with me. The story has much to do with Japanese mythology, assassins, and chaos. The main character Takeo shares the spotlight with a second main character Kaede, who is used as a pawn in a feudal dispute. The author makes the book interesting by telling two different stories that later merge, but she switches not only stories between chapters but point of view. For this reason I expect the series to be from Takeo's point of view. The story takes place in a fictional country meant to resemble feudal Japan. In the U.K. and Australia the series has reached a level of popularity comparable to Harry Potter, so expect to hear this name again soon. In my personal opinion it was a good book and I look forward to the second book "Grass for His Pillow" arriving in the mail, hopefully this week. 

Cursing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals throughout  the office  have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18  new and innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
 

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Management

>Worth a laugh....
>
>
>MY NEW NAME IS IN THE SUBJECT.....DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT
>YOUR NEW NAME IS.
>
>We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute.
>
>Please don't be a bore & ruin it. Send it on to everyone you know
>including the person that sent it to you.
>
>Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness
>to break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days
>than not.
>
>Here is your dose of humor...
>
>A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.
>
>B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it
>to friends and family & co-worker s.
>
>Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you so they
>know you participated. And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now
>known far & wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer!
>
>The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And
>the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil
>Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
>
>So:-
>
>1. Use the third letter of your first name to
>determine your New first name:
>
>a = snickle
>b = doombah
>c = goober
>d = cheesey
>e = crusty
>f = greasy
>g = dumbo
>h = farcus
>i = dorky
>j = doofus
>k = funky
>l = boobie
>m = sleezy
>n = sloopy
>o = fluffy
>p = stinky
>q = slimy
>r = dorfus
>s = snooty
>t = tootsie
>u = dipsy
>v = sneezy
>w = liver
>x = skippy
>y = dink y
>z = zippy
>
>2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of
>your new last name:
>
>a = dippin
>b = feather
>c = batty
>d = burger
>e = chicken
>f = barffy
>g = lizard
>h = waffle
>i = farkle
>j = monkey
>k = flippin
>l = fricken
>m = bubble
>n = rhino
>o = potty
>p = hamster
>q = buckle
>r = gizzard
>s = lickin
>t = snickle
>u = chuckle
>v = pickle
>w = hubble
>x = dingle
>y = gorilla
>z = girdle
>
>3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of
>your new last name:
>a = butt
>b = boob
>c = face
>d = nose
>e = hump
>f = breath
>g = pants
>h = shorts
>i = lips
>j = honker
>k = head
>l = tush
>m = chunks
>n = dunkin
>o = brains
>p = biscuits
>q = toes
>r = doodle
>s = fanny
>t = sniffer
>u = sprinkles
>v = frack
>w = squirt
>x = humperdinck
>y = hiney
>z = juice
>
>Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.
>
>Now when you SEND THIS ON...use your new name as the subject.
>
>And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults
>laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day
>

Title: The Book Of Five Rings
Author: Miyamoto Musashi
ISBN: 9784770028013
Other Authors: William Scott Wilson (Translator)


The Book Of Five Rings is written by Miyamoto Mushashi, who is likely the greatest swordsman of all time. As a warrior he made his first kill as a kid. The Book Of Five Rings is Musashi's description of his own style, which is known as niten (two-heavens). The book is broken down into five chapters Wind, Water, Earth, Fire, and Emptiness. Each chapter is used to describe a different aspect of his style and is compared to elements.

The Book Of Five Rings is good, but difficult to understand. Reading it would require reading it more than once or reading more than two versions. The book was something in the realm of enlightening. I had a few reservation to his referring to his Way as being the true way, but he doesn't fail to explain why. I was annoyed by his frequent use of the phrase "this should be throughly investigated".

This particular translation was well done, the translating author writes a short biography about Mushashi and explains parts of the book. He makes a good effort to leave notes on particular meanings. In particular I was interested by Buddhist deity named Kannon as well as Japanese military phrase that got me thinking. The book contained two painting done by Mushashi that were certainly interesting. In front of each chapter is the kanji done in good calligraphy for the names of each chapter.

Would I recommend this book? Yes, but not without its asterisk. One being to read it more than once or to read multiple translations. Two being that this should only be read if one wishes to better them self either or to get a glimpse into another culture.

I got this from a forwarded e-mail, enjoy.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

 
 

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

 
 

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

 
 

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

 
 

THE EYES:!
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

 
 

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

 
 

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

 
 

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

 
 

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

 
 

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

 
 

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

 
 

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

 
 

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

 
 

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

 
 

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER